O Lord, You know that for millennia, singers and writers have celebrated Your moon’s romantic beauty. Others, though, likened it to cheese, croissants, and cookies. 1950s singer Dean Martin even viewed the moon as a “big pizza pie.” OMG, it’s difficult for a dieter to stay starry-eyed when her stomach’s growling. …
October’s traditional holidays — Columbus Day and Halloween — have recently come under fire. The Internet graciously supplies us with alternatives, so now we can venerate these dehydrated fruits? — vegetables? — this month.
Wouldn’t it make more sense to celebrate in July, when tomatoes truly become one in spirit with plump, red humans who also roast and wrinkle in blazing sunshine?
October is also Class Reunion Month. However, we do not have to begin emergency diets, because has anybody ever held a class reunion in October?
But wait just one politically correct moment. Does this imply people who are not bald can’t be free on October 14? Sorry, but I doubt mass servitude of hairy people will fly as a holiday. Not even with Hallmark.
Neither do I celebrate Reptile Awareness Day (October 21). Are we supposed to kiss a crocodile? Snuggle with snakes? Once a family in my town discovered their new home’s previous owner had bequeathed them his pet python, who popped out of heating ducts to say hello.
I lived a half mile away. That’s as close to reptile awareness as I want to get.
If anyone wants to take up a better cause, I suggest he lobby to remove the bad-mood stigma from my favorite month.
True, our stressed society could benefit from the International Moment of Frustration Scream Day on October 12, releasing pent-up feelings toward TV political coverage, souped-up leaf blowers and motorists who honk at stoplights. Following up with National Kick Butt Day on the 13th might, paradoxically, prove a bottomless delight.
But October has gone overboard with National Grouch Day (the 15th) and Cranky Coworkers Day (the 27th). It has even been chosen as National Sarcastic Awareness Month. Gre-e-eat. We’re supposed to cheer every 16-year-old who rolls her eyes? Maybe even crown Miss Supreme Sarcasm?
We also are expected to choose a Menopause Queen to celebrate World Menopause Day on October 18. Riding a parade float, she and her royal court will throw plates at cowering crowds while a band plays “We’re Having a Heat Wave” and hot-flash drill teams fan each other with flags.
October used to be a nice, simple month.
I’d hoped November would improve the holiday outlook. But, no. November begins with Plan Your Epitaph Day (November 2). I see that on the 19th, we are to celebrate Have a Bad Day Day.
How about we skip ’em all?
Instead, let’s celebrate Thanksgiving every day!
Your Extraordinary Ordinary: What’s your favorite way to celebrate October?
O my God, thank You for October, with its colorful leaves and pumpkin-spice everything. But some of Your humans have declared it National Liver Awareness Month. OMG, do You think we should spend 30 days thinking about liver? After half a century, I’m still trying to forget my mother made me taste it.
O my God, how do You handle ballgame prayers? — the crazy mishmash of petitions by opposing players, managers, and fans? Plus umpires’ prayers this game would finish soon! Far greater theological mysteries should occupy me. Nevertheless — OMG, thank You that the Cubs are in the World Series!
October brings a thousand decisions. The first: do I get up?
Only idiots leave warm, cushy havens to stumble through chilly northern darkness. Besides, shouldn’t we practice staying in bed an extra hour to prepare for the time change?
But … family and work trump common sense. We drag out and straighten covers. Should we add extra blankets, or wait until spouses grow icicles?
Closets bulge with beach and blizzard attire – more decisions. Of 273 possibilities, which will match today’s weather? After all those summer family reunions, which outfit will not split?
Children’s October clothing presents even more challenges. Students forced to wear coats on frosty mornings return at day’s end, sweaty and seething: “Teacher said since you made me bring this dumb coat, I had to wear it every recess!”
According to kids, any parental choices should be UPS’d to Goodwill – on Pluto.
Hubby’s October time and space continuum focuses on a different concern: When can he stop mowing?
He does not suffer the trauma I endure as a plant lover. If I bring inside all my potted buddies, we will have to move out. So which will I rescue from frost?
Fall cleaning decisions are easier, though. Visualizing the usual cherished holiday stampede, I ask, why clean rugs now?
Speaking of holidays, October sets off diplomatic tensions that evolve to war negotiations: to celebrate Halloween, or not? To pass out Death-by-Sucrose Suckers or little bottles of mouthwash accumulated from dental visits?
For empty nesters, the controversy proves simple: Will fifty pounds of candy survive until the 31st? Or even Columbus Day?
Meanwhile, guys suffer the agonizing October dilemma of how to watch both baseball and football without trivial interruptions involving carrying in plants, speaking to humans or calling 911.
Both genders, though, share the dilemma of healthy versus comfort food. Must we really ditch summer’s grilled eggplant for hot buttered bread, cheese-bubbly casseroles and apple pie?
Anticipating future freezing interstates, we seize last opportunities to travel, camp and view lovely leaf displays. However, when and where will the leaves turn?
Will we coordinate kids’ soccer, theater, band, youth group, mani and pedi schedules, only to spend a precious “together” weekend staring at green leaves? Or spend bushels of money viewing acres of leafless skeletons only the Addams family would enjoy?
Perhaps you have decided to stay in bed, avoiding decisions until May 2018. But good news awaits would-be hibernators.
October is its own antidote. Crisp mornings flavored with wood smoke, pumpkin fields, a harvest moon and swish-swish walks among colorful leaves, whatever timetable they choose. Any of these performs a miracle cure.
And evokes a no-brainer decision that October is the very best time of year.
At least, I think so. How about you? What’s your favorite season?