Are you one of those scary people who keep New Year’s resolutions?
Then skip this and return to Planet Jenny Craig, from whence you came.
If, however, you’ve given up all hope of achieving such goals, let me be the first to encourage you. A decade ago, I discovered a unique approach that revolutionized New Year’s Day.
I learned to make only resolutions I will keep.
Please note the effortless beauty of the following examples:
- I promise I will not mow our lawn in January.
- I will give up earmuffs for the Fourth of July.
Check out my actual 2021 resolutions, whose success rates left those of Jenny Craig aliens panting in interplanetary dust, including:
- I will refrain from topping my waffles with pickles.
- I will, however, break world s’more records, as our children gave us a patio firepit for Christmas. This mother wants to make her children happy, so no sacrifice is too great.
- My next resolution should prove doable for 95 percent of the world’s population: I will blame COVID-19 for everything. Conventional therapy points fingers at spouses, parents, kids and in-laws. Instead, blame COVID. This is cheaper and less complicated, as no virus yet has been named in a lawsuit or divorce.
- Speaking of COVID, I also resolve to wear a mask in public. Even if most are designed to fit your average antelope.
- I’ll still greet all checkout personnel and other shoppers with a smile.
- If the pandemic endures, I’ll continue my role of Invisible Pickup Customer. Despite reservations, confirming emails, receipts, pickup signs and angels blowing trumpets where I park, I will continue to elude pickup personnel at each and every store.
- Out of deep concern for the local economy, I will order takeout. Three times a day.
- In 2021, I will talk to my microwave more than to humans. Which probably is good, because mostly I yell at it to shut up.
- I resolve not to camp in Dead Women Crossing, Oklahoma.
- I will continue to brighten the days of IT personnel and car mechanics with the astute diagnostic phrase, “It doesn’t work.”
- I will regard all device updates as tools of the devil and Russia.
- I will not lift my car to clean its underside.
- I resolve to write in cursive, though my grandchildren believe I am using hieroglyphics. Not surprising, as I helped build the pyramids.
- Finally, I will stumble through playing and singing one praise song daily, thankful that my childhood dog — who howled epithets when I sang — no longer critiques me. Fortunately, Jesus and Hubby like it.
See? A simple, innovative approach. Profound. And free. (You only pay for shipping.)
Your Extraordinary Ordinary: Are you ready to take the resolution leap in 2022?