Down-to-earth types feel one with their material universe, but I refuse to merge my being with Inanimates that Make Me Crazy. For example:
Coat hangers. When I reach for one, it twists and tangles 10 more. Pants/skirts hangers await the moment I close the closet door — then dump 15 pairs of pants.
Cereal boxes. My husband has declared the Cheerios box off limits, just because I open the wrong end. He insists I mangle the bag, but when I used scissors, my dearly beloved said I trimmed it too short. He gets more bent out of shape than the box.
Potato chip bags each contain five chips, four broken. But chips multiply with five-loaves-and-two-fish fervor into thousands when I open a bag, covering my kitchen, den and sidewalk.
Elevators. Long ago, I squished into one with a hundred other college students late to class. The elevator dropped an extra story. Now in their sixties, those people probably still prefer stairs, too.
Anything that says, “Insert tab A into slot B.” God constructed His world without a manual. I follow His example.
Ketchup packets. Manufacturers fortify “open here” spots with webbed steel. Also, booby traps that spurt ketchup up the nose of my business client. At one restaurant, a server regularly opened packets for me. Maybe she got tired of ducking.
Plastic wrap. I try to tame it with a chair and whip.
Computer “help.” Why doesn’t Bill Gates tell the truth and call it “hinder”?
Meat hammers. Inspired by the Cooking Channel, I aspired to a more sophisticated utensil than the saucer edge my mother used to tenderize. I remortgaged the house and bought a Compulsive Chef meat hammer. The head promptly flew off, barely missing Hubby. Since then, he wears a helmet to survive home cooking.
As Hubby and other down-to-earth types take cover, they wonder why God in His wisdom did not place all us antimatter marvels on our own planet. What? Leave us alone, with no one to close Ziploc® bags? Also, life on Planet Proficient would bore them to death.
Human beings need a little crazy. I derive mine from inanimate objects.
Hubby gets his from living with me.
Your Extraordinary Ordinary: Do any inanimate objects drive you nuts?
