Hubby says, “Would you like to go out to eat?”

Do I like to breathe?

He complains the car is cold. However, I’m chilly, too — which never happens.

Hubby spots the problem: “Who flipped on air conditioning?”

Who can I blame? Where’s a grandchild when you need one?

Rats. They went home yesterday.

As a child, I never lacked blamees. While I longed to beam little brothers to the planet Gorlojxx, they served as excellent reasons for everything wrong with my life. I couldn’t complete kitchen assignments because they never stopped eating. I couldn’t finish piano practice because they shot me with dart guns. Later, I blamed them for my nonexistent dating life. What guy would brave those little commandos, armed with Crazy Foam™, cherry bombs and Peeping Tom mirrors?

I didn’t blame them for everything, though.

I blamed our parents, too. They should have stopped with me.

My left-handedness also came in handy. I first discovered this instant alibi while learning to tie shoes. No wonder, while doing The Hokey Pokey, I knocked down classmates like dominoes. No wonder I blew story problems, my socks slid down, and skirt zippers always wandered to the front. I was left-handed!

Later, I discovered right-handed people invented algebra. They also designed SAT tests and college applications.

The bank did not buy it, though, when I wrote my first overdrawn check.

And I thought story problems were a problem.

My generation and I blamed the Establishment, then eventually graduated to blaming the government: Democrats for deficits and potholes; Republicans for job losses and crabgrass.

McDonald’s, because they make us spill hot coffee.

If all else fails, we can blame the stars. Perhaps left-handed, too, heavenly bodies stumble in a cosmic Hokey Pokey that affects paychecks, love lives and bowling scores.

Some take the blame straight to God’s Complaint Department. “My life’s a mess. Your fault!”

He eyes the patched-up, parts-missing, jumble of perpetual motion. “Did you read the Directions?”

Um.

Funny. We rarely blame Him or other people for good things. Just sayin’.

• Instead of pronouncing traffic “god-awful,” we could describe sunsets, babies and cardinals as “God-beautiful.”
• We might compliment a busy McDonald’s employee for hot coffee.
• Or even praise a hardworking public servant.
• We could thank parents who let us live. Ditto for teachers.
• I might learn to appreciate my brothers, even if they didn’t move to Gorlojxx.

Thankfully, Hubby has not moved, either, despite living with Quirkzilla for 44 years.

Approaching the restaurant, I admit, “I forgot to turn off the air conditioning. Seriously, that hot flash would have melted Alaska.”

He grins.

“Thanks for dinner out,” I add. “If I’m spoiled, I blame you.”

Your Extraordinary Ordinary: Whom can you blame for something good?