OMG, It’s Monday! Prayer: No-Temptation Birthday Cake. O Lord, thank You that this pineapple upside-down cake turned out well for my husband’s birthday. And OMG, thank You that though it is his favorite, I can walk away from this cake without a pang.
My summer dieting resolutions have proved as successful as last January’s, despite my good intentions.
Daylight saving time is more conducive to exercise, I said. I’d shed winter weight like a parka.
Summer gardens produce tons of fresh veggies. Fruit, a nutritious food that actually tastes good, abounds. Easier to eat skinny, right?
I implemented self-scare tactics: Beaches would sound a bloat-float warning upon my arrival.
Other aids would help my effort. Spending hours in endless construction zones would create a slow burn, turning calories to ashes.
Plus, the stars were in weight-loss alignment. Stars or satellites? Not sure. I’m not picky about astronomy.
I did consume fresh veggies. Also, berries, cherries, peaches and watermelon. And, um, ice cream.
Come on, I live three blocks from Ivanhoe’s, a legendary drive-in touted by The Huffington Post as Indiana’s contribution to “The One Thing You Must Do in Every State.” True Hoosiers don’t live by broccoli alone.
To my credit, I exercised. Dragged along — er, encouraged — by Hubby, I hiked miles across rugged terrain. We paddled lakes, cycled bike paths and, despite bloat-float warnings, frequented beaches. We even swam in the water.
Given those “vacations,” would you choose half a bagel for breakfast?
Also, even the word “s’mores” forbids limiting me to one.
As for swimming — beach alarm aside — possessing a built-in inner tube isn’t a bad thing. When out-of-shape arms don’t keep one afloat, fat to the rescue! Safety first, I always say.
Besides, the holidays are three months away. Cooler weather will encourage exercise. As temperatures fall, so will my ice cream intake. Really.
Also, plenty of road construction remains to burn off excess calories.
Baggy sweaters will hide my summer-acquired inner tube, lessening motivation to diet. But fear not. I’ve created new scare tactics.
Shopping trips with dressing room mirrors always diminish my appetite.
Even better (worse?): the yearly checkup. I plan to share my innovative medical theory with my doctor. Doesn’t it make sense that we who carry more years should outweigh the young, who carry only a few? I’ll inform her the stars are in weight-loss alignment during autumn. She shouldn’t be picky about astronomy.
I’ll promise that now it’s fall, I’ll drop pounds like trees shed leaves.
Besides, there’s always January.
Your Extraordinary Ordinary: Is it harder to lose weight during hot or cold months?
My husband and I walk after supper for good reasons. First, burgeoning trees and flowers replenish the famine of beauty we suffered during the gloom of early spring. I love the scent of cut grass — if someone else mows.
Second, walks grow relationships, including Hubby’s and mine. Our eyes and fingers are not glued to screens. Instead, we grow attached to us.
Third, we also greet neighbors, people who eat, sleep, work, play and worship within a stone’s throw. Yet, we rarely see them during winter. God created spring to lure us from it’s-all-about-me caves.
If we must mention exercise (sigh), walking qualifies. I’d rather walk than jog, run or sumo wrestle.
We take walks for good reasons, you understand.
Not to buy ice cream.
Temptation lurks in every springlike Eden. In our town, no conniving snake persuades us to stray from the straight and narrow. Instead, a legendary drive-in presents a menu of 100 ice cream sundaes, including my nemesis, the Moose Tracks.
Its name, which evokes somewhat unpleasant images, should ruin appetites.
The sundae’s frozen yogurt initially hooked me. Yogurt is healthy, I rationalized. Surely, it sucks the calories and cholesterol from the accompanying chopped Reese’s Cups, warm spoonfuls of peanut butter and globs of hot fudge.
I have successfully battled such enticements elsewhere.
But this drive-in is located a few blocks from my house.
When Hubby suggests we walk north, not east, I breathe a sigh of relief. We head north to homes and parks graced with newly planted petunias and geraniums. North past the grade school, where homework escapees flip on monkey bars. Past baseball diamonds where miniature players sport mitts bigger than they. North away from the drive-in.
The sunset throws a feast of sherbet colors in the west … did I say “feast”? And “sherbet”?
At town’s edge, Hubby halts. “Where to now?”
He should know better than to ask. Because I always tell the truth. At least, part of it. “Let’s take Main Street. I’ll bet the flowers are gorgeous.”
They don’t disappoint. Fragrant honeysuckle intoxicates us. Fluffy peonies beckon, and brilliant blue, purple and yellow pansies pour from flowerpots. Somebody tilled his garden, a field of moist chocolate fudge … did I say “chocolate”? Whipped cream clouds swirl in the golden peanut-butter sky. …
We find ourselves at the drive-in.
Your Extraordinary Ordinary: What’s your favorite ice cream treat — er, walk?
New Year’s resolution diet isn’t going well. Yours?
wonder. According to weight loss gurus, we should never diet when under stress.
We should have postponed until a kind genie shoveled our driveways, thawed
frozen pipes and freed us from snow days with kids who act like us.
no-o-o-o, we announced to spouses, relatives, Facebook friends and Australian
Twitter pals that we intended to lose X number of pounds.
celebrities often tout advanced diet alternatives. Critics point out these
people, habitually in rehab and/or kidnapped by aliens, might not prove health
experts. But they are thin.
Therefore, we must take their advice and adopt the following:
Grapefruit Oil Diet. Instead of eating grapefruit, a dieter sniffs a vial of grapefruit oil before meals. The aroma fires up her liver, burning away every trace of the three Moose Tracks Sundaes she ate. Some report even better results from smelling skunk oil, but I’m not that desperate … yet.
Salmon Diet. Eating salmon
three times a day combats inflammation, the alleged source of all health
problems. It also exchanges the eater’s decrepit body for a young one,
including a flashy facelift. Love the idea. But does it sound a little fishy?
Baby Food Diet. Mmm, strained
turkey and beet dinners. An extra 200 calories are burned per meal if the
dieter makes airplane sounds.
Lemonade Diet. Participants
drink a mixture of lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup exclusively for
10 days. This liquid diet completely cleanses a body of toxins.*
*The toxins run away screaming. This diet was carried out on a closed course by a professional. Do not attempt at home.
dieters, without messy surgeries or loss of vital organs, practice some form of
the Amputation Diet before weigh-ins.
We clip nails, get haircuts, and remove clothing, jewelry, contact lenses/glasses
and birthmarks before stepping on scales. In addition, Amputation Diet
enthusiasts claim a loss of 10-25 pounds in one day if you don’t mind losing a
we can retain our arms, yet remain on diets, if we plan carefully. Try a
different diet every day of the month. How can this help? Most diets include a
“splurge day.” Schedule 30 splurge days of 30 different diets, and you will
never feel deprived.
Exercise is given far too much
emphasis. Watching other people
exercise, on the other hand, prevents injuries.
Every dieter should collect helpful
books, including Virtual Calories and
Meditate Away Your Fat Cells.
The websites were right. Since adopting
this new approach, I find dieting a “fun, wonderful, educational journey.” One problem:
I couldn’t zip my jeans this morning.
that diet genie when I need him?
Your Extraordinary Ordinary: What diet tip can