Happy New Year!
Despite gloomy prognoses, there is room for optimism in 2017, especially as I’ve discovered an awesome new approach to making resolutions. This innovation effectively protects the resolver from the root-canal effect of good behavior.
My secret? I make only resolutions I can keep. Simple. Profound.
Welcome to my easy-peasy 2017 list of resolutions:
- I resolve to leave my save-the-earth bags in my car’s trunk when I visit Walmart. I will ignore their existence, even while stacking plastic bags of groceries on top of them. Every week.
- During winter months, I promise to lose one glove of every pair. And a hat once a week.
- I will continue my don’t-ask-don’t-tell relationship with the dust bunnies under my bed.
- I resolve to try “color catcher” sheets that allow me to wash red clothes with white. I haven’t attempted such a feat since early marriage, when my brave new approach to laundry resulted in my husband’s wearing pink Fruit of the Looms throughout his medical school career.
- When some overbearing airport suitcase hurler points to me and says, “This old bag’s too heavy to be a carry-on, charge her extra,” I promise to cut him down to size.
- Speaking of traveling, I resolve not to smoke in airplane bathrooms. First, having never tried a cigarette, I’d probably light the wrong end. Besides, conducting the usual bathroom business requires enormous coordination in a space the size of a glove compartment. Why risk stuffing a glowing cigarette down my throat, should the plane decide to tap dance?
- I resolve to iron one shirt this year for my husband. Or at least the front (this works if he wears a suit).
- I resolve to kill my Christmas poinsettias before Ground Hog’s Day.
- Finally, I resolve not to climb Mt. Everest. Or slide down.
Mission accomplished. I’ve made my list of resolutions, with no negatives to cloud 2017.
Come to think of it, my funny hair rivals Einstein’s, anytime.
How about you? What will be the first goof-proof resolution on your list?